There was a time when I would have found it nearly impossible that I could be where I am now. I really don't think I had as much ambition as I do with Husband in my life.
Bedtime Story: My life before my Husband.
Before I met Husband I was dating someone (we'll call him X) and we had been together nearly two years. Yes, it is true, I'm the "relationship girl". This was some label put on my in middle school that carried onto my high school years, slightly amusing to me but at some level confusing, as well. For some reason I can't really put my finger on, my mother and I almost never got along. It was almost as if I was being driven away. I spent most of my time with X and my mom welcomed that. Like if he were around than we didn't have to put up with each other as much. I can't really explain it. We were on different wavelengths and my sisters hated everyone I spoke to, friends I mean, even boyfriends. It was like I was separate from my family before I met Husband. I was mature for my age and it was kind of frustrating to be the only one in my group of friends with no drama and no understanding of drama itself. My relationships were so private, people always assumed they were perfect because we didn't speak about our relationship to others. I felt as if things were to be kept between the two of us. We did have a good, drama free relationship but I knew something was wrong and I suspect now it's because I was lying to myself. I didn't know what I really wanted and kind of made things up as I went. When I found out X had "cheated on me"(later finding out that's not exactly what happened), I was crushed and couldn't stop crying long enough to give me the strength to leave my bedroom. My mother didn't understand she was angry. I vowed to be different when I had my own daughter. Something happened when I met Husband and I'm really not quite sure what it is. We started to talk more, I grew closer, she no longer picked fights with me, she saw me as an adult, she and I were happy. I don't understand what difference he made but it was as if his presence made us all happy, not just me. If it weren't for him I'd be living in another city with a party animal ex-best friend and still trying to figure out what I want to do. I would be lonely and confused. The way I was before him. In all honesty, I guess being with Husband has saved me. Maybe it's the fact that he is older, maybe it's the fact that I grew up, marrying and all that, I don't know but sometimes I wonder if my mother and I would have ever rekindled our relationship had I not fallen in love with Husband.
What is it about men that make us lose our balance, or is it find our balance?
Sometimes when we fight I feel relieved but other times I feel this loneliness that is so painful that it seems irrational. It must be, I mean I guess when you fall head over heels in love, most of your emotions do become irrational. The truth is I may have married young but it was the best thing that could have ever happened for me and now I actually have something to look forward to. Sometimes this though process just happens. Usually when I'm watching my Husband and I mean really watching him, counting my blessings...
-A Wife, thinking out loud.
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