My posts as of lately have been a little flustered, I know. Some of you are aware that Husband and I recently decided to put a halt on having children. Although, before this decision we had tried conceiving for a little over a year. Truth be told we actually have never in the two and a half years we’ve been married used any contraceptives or protection of any sort. I was well aware (in the very back of my mind) that this is the definition of infertility but since we weren’t ‘actively pursuing pregnancy’, I stored that scary information into the very back of my mind.
On Wednesday, I went to my first ever (yes, I know, first ever?!) gynecology appointment. I was afraid of what he might say about my awful menstrual cycle and my constant pain, but I think a part of me already knew. He informed me of the two things that I tried so hard to deny, that I am in fact infertile and that it could very well be Endometriosis causing my infertility. I felt my stomach fall out my butt as he made it all reality. I know that I just found this out and that there are still so many other things to consider and so many more tests I am going to be undergoing, but just hearing it out loud from a professional put a big hole in me. I finally came to this huge decision to wait longer to have children and now I find that it could be even longer, if at all that I could carry. I stayed strong, knowing that I still don’t have all the answers yet and am trying to not jump to conclusions. Seeking information has been my constant state of being for the past 48 hours.
“It takes some couples years to get pregnant, so don’t worry.”
“At least you don’t have cysts or cancer.”
“Well, when the time is right, it will happen for you.”
That is all I’ve been hearing and to be honest, as kind as people are being, this is not helping. I’m a realist and in reality it’s been almost three years! When we do decide to have children, how long will it take us, if it’s even possible? And how much is this going to cost us? And why does it have to happen to me? Doc said that he has scheduled an transvaginal ultrasound 6 weeks from Wednesday to find out if this is in fact Endo and if it is we will then discuss our next steps as far as stopping the pain. He said when we are ready for children he will discuss our options with us. Options…this word sounds so optimistic and yet it’s terrifying me as if we only have so many things to chose from. How much should I put my body through? How long is too long? What if I never do get pregnant?
Well, Husband and I have always had one thing in our minds. That if in fact this were the case, not being able to carry a child, that we would adopt. It would mean that this is happening to be because God entrusted us with another duty, that we were meant for adoption, needed rather. I know this is only the beginning stages of a very long journey but how can you help having all of this in your head?! I just can’t stop thinking, raking my brain for answers.
I spent Wednesday night on the couch in tears. I don’t want Husband to know how stressed and upset this makes me because I know that he, too is a little hurt. Even if he acts like it’s still too soon to tell. So instead, I just sat out here on the couch wishing Grandfather were still here because for some reason he was the only person I wanted to talk to, THE ONLY ONE. Too many what-if’s, not enough understanding. I need understanding, I need to know what the future is going to hold, no matter how hard I try, I am having a very hard time focusing on the here and now.
-A Wife.
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