A Haze.

Diary of the Young and Married: A Haze.

So, this week has been off the charts insanity! It started off beautifully with one of my best friends giving birth to her beautiful baby girl. Meet Avianna Lynn, isn’t she gorgeous. I spent much of Wednesday and Thursday with her. Then of course I was called from her arrival to head to my gyno appointment early and, well, I’ve already ranted and raved about that. 

Friday morning I had an 8 am refresher class for work and it was awful. These classes are getting to be very repetitive and I feel like they are a waste of my time, although, I am getting paid for them. At this point, I was able to tell I wouldn’t be seeing much of my Husband this weekend. I left there, ran a few errands, went home and cleaned the house and then off to work overnight. I think it might be an understatement if I were to say this was a calm night, it was so ridiculously slow in the hospital! By 1 am I was practically fighting my eyelids to stay open. 

I got a few hours of sleep but woke up early so I can spend Saturday at the creek with my Husband’s family…that is until I headed straight from there back to work another overnight. (FYI, I absolutely hate working the three in a rows). Husband has missed me and he was so appreciative of me waking up to be with him, but of course, I wouldn’t have missed that time with him for the world. Another long night at work but I was way passed tired, I felt like running a marathon that morning but of course the one time I feel this way it pours rain. So…sleep. 

Woke up early again because Sunday was, not only Father’s Day, but also my niece’s First Birthday! I couldn’t miss it, not for anything. I took my work clothes with me and it all went way too fast. I didn’t want to leave my Husband again, but the truth is we really need the money so I really just had to learn to suck it up. So, last night at work, Husband and I shared some sappy texts and I somehow forced myself through my last night. Of course, I’m not sleeping, I came home, changed and then ran with a new friend/running partner. I feel energized, not a bone in my body is sleepy, I’m way past sleepy. Husband is sleeping in the bedroom and he just looks way to peaceful and sweet to wake. I plan on making him a very nice dinner tonight, we could use this. 

Tonight the plan is to sit down and come up with our new savings plan, some things are going to have to change if we’re ever going to get back on track. I don’t know if it’s all the stress of money, the new information about possibly having endo, or just the fact that I feel like this whole weekend was an out of body experience, whatever it is I’ve been pretty down. I apologized to Husband last night because I’m sure it’s awful having to deal with all that. It’s as if my body was here this weekend but my soul was somewhere else. Nothing like a three day stretch of insanity to bring you crawling home to your sweetheart. I can’t believe how well he puts up with me, he deserves a serious prize. I love this man. I guess this is just how it is, I mean the busy lifestyle. This is how we’ve earned everything we have so far and that will never change. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Until next time,

-A Wife.

Coming to terms with the TRUTH

My posts as of lately have been a little flustered, I know. Some of you are aware that Husband and I recently decided to put a halt on having children. Although, before this decision we had tried conceiving for a little over a year. Truth be told we actually have never in the two and a half years we’ve been married used any contraceptives or protection of any sort. I was well aware (in the very back of my mind) that this is the definition of infertility but since we weren’t ‘actively pursuing pregnancy’, I stored that scary information into the very back of my mind. 

On Wednesday, I went to my first ever (yes, I know, first ever?!) gynecology appointment. I was afraid of what he might say about my awful menstrual cycle and my constant pain, but I think a part of me already knew. He informed me of the two things that I tried so hard to deny, that I am in fact infertile and that it could very well be Endometriosis causing my infertility. I felt my stomach fall out my butt as he made it all reality. I know that I just found this out and that there are still so many other things to consider and so many more tests I am going to be undergoing, but just hearing it out loud from a professional put a big hole in me. I finally came to this huge decision to wait longer to have children and now I find that it could be even longer, if at all that I could carry. I stayed strong, knowing that I still don’t have all the answers yet and am trying to not jump to conclusions. Seeking information has been my constant state of being for the past 48 hours. 

“It takes some couples years to get pregnant, so don’t worry.” 

“At least you don’t have cysts or cancer.”

“Well, when the time is right, it will happen for you.”

That is all I’ve been hearing and to be honest, as kind as people are being, this is not helping. I’m a realist and in reality it’s been almost three years! When we do decide to have children, how long will it take us, if it’s even possible? And how much is this going to cost us? And why does it have to happen to me? Doc said that he has scheduled an transvaginal ultrasound 6 weeks from Wednesday to find out if this is in fact Endo and if it is we will then discuss our next steps as far as stopping the pain. He said when we are ready for children he will discuss our options with us. Options…this word sounds so optimistic and yet it’s terrifying me as if we only have so many things to chose from. How much should I put my body through? How long is too long? What if I never do get pregnant? 

Well, Husband and I have always had one thing in our minds. That if in fact this were the case, not being able to carry a child, that we would adopt. It would mean that this is happening to be because God entrusted us with another duty, that we were meant for adoption, needed rather. I know this is only the beginning stages of a very long journey but how can you help having all of this in your head?! I just can’t stop thinking, raking my brain for answers. 

I spent Wednesday night on the couch in tears. I don’t want Husband to know how stressed and upset this makes me because I know that he, too is a little hurt. Even if he acts like it’s still too soon to tell. So instead, I just sat out here on the couch wishing Grandfather were still here because for some reason he was the only person I wanted to talk to, THE ONLY ONE. Too many what-if’s, not enough understanding. I need understanding, I need to know what the future is going to hold, no matter how hard I try, I am having a very hard time focusing on the here and now. 

-A Wife.

REFLECTION.

Do you ever look at your life and remember all at once all of the little moments that led to where you are at now?

• I used to volunteer to stay late at work because I knew if I did he’d ask if I  wanted to join him for late night dinner with our co-workers.
• My phone once got turned off without me knowing and he drove all the way to my house because he was worried I wasn’t answering because I was no longer interested in him.
• We used to beg and beg until one of us decided to stay over with the other.
• After his grandmother passed I was awaken by a phone call from his room mate about his nightmare and drove in the middle of the night to comfort him.
• He used to wait outside my high school on his motorcycle just to see me before work.
• He would stand outside my job with flowers until I got out just to say goodnight or go for a quick ride on the bike.
• We once drove out to the waterfalls and sat for hours talking about what we both wanted out of a relationship and in life.
• He whispered to me that he loved me before we even started dating.
• I watched movies all night while he lay on my lap bruised and beat up. 
• During a short break up we went out for coffee that ended in a kiss and a commitment to one another. 

After all this time I still can’t believe how fairy tale my life has turned out to be, even if we have been struggling to make some payments and have been almost too busy to see each other at times. I really have been blessed! They say that your actions and what you’ve done in your past and present defines who you have become and likewise, our moments together have really defined our marriage and made it what it is today. 

NOW WHY WOULDN’T YOU SACRIFICE ANYTHING TO HAVE SOMETHING SO WONDERFUL?

it’s definitely worth the fight.

-A WIFE.

SOME TIME AGO

There was a time when I would have found it nearly impossible that I could be where I am now. I really don't think I had as much ambition as I do with Husband in my life. 

Bedtime Story: My life before my Husband.

Before I met Husband I was dating someone (we'll call him X) and we had been together nearly two years. Yes, it is true, I'm the "relationship girl". This was some label put on my in middle school that carried onto my high school years, slightly amusing to me but at some level confusing, as well. For some reason I can't really put my finger on, my mother and I almost never got along. It was almost as if I was being driven away. I spent most of my time with X and my mom welcomed that. Like if he were around than we didn't have to put up with each other as much. I can't really explain it. We were on different wavelengths and my sisters hated everyone I spoke to, friends I mean, even boyfriends. It was like I was separate from my family before I met Husband. I was mature for my age and it was kind of frustrating to be the only one in my group of friends with no drama and no understanding of drama itself. My relationships were so private, people always assumed they were perfect because we didn't speak about our relationship to others. I felt as if things were to be kept between the two of us. We did have a good, drama free relationship but I knew something was wrong and I suspect now it's because I was lying to myself. I didn't know what I really wanted and kind of made things up as I went. When I found out X had "cheated on me"(later finding out that's not exactly what happened), I was crushed and couldn't stop crying long enough to give me the strength to leave my bedroom. My mother didn't understand she was angry. I vowed to be different when I had my own daughter. Something happened when I met Husband and I'm really not quite sure what it is. We started to talk more, I grew closer, she no longer picked fights with me, she saw me as an adult, she and I were happy. I don't understand what difference he made but it was as if his presence made us all happy, not just me. If it weren't for him I'd be living in another city with a party animal ex-best friend and still trying to figure out what I want to do. I would be lonely and confused. The way I was before him. In all honesty, I guess being with Husband has saved me. Maybe it's the fact that he is older, maybe it's the fact that I grew up, marrying and all that, I don't know but sometimes I wonder if my mother and I would have ever rekindled our relationship had I not fallen in love with Husband. 

What is it about men that make us lose our balance, or is it  find our balance? 

Sometimes when we fight I feel relieved but other times I feel this loneliness that is so painful that it seems irrational. It must be, I mean I guess when you fall head over heels in love, most of your emotions do become irrational. The truth is I may have married young but it was the best thing that could have ever happened for me and now I actually have something to look forward to. Sometimes this though process just happens. Usually when I'm watching my Husband and I mean really watching him, counting my blessings...

-A Wife, thinking out loud.

Days Ago

It's been a while since I've crept onto my page at all, a few days ago Husband and I had one of the best days! It was so perfect and it's one that would be impossible to do over again. I am so so happy and so is my Husband, which makes me even more happy. Our day was all about us, every bit of it and it was so appreciated. We need more days like that one, every days good but usually fuzzy with the hustle and bustle of work and school and life that we forget to relax with one another. 

Our day started with a bike ride, one that was extremely thrilling and we had shower smiles (inside joke) the entire time. Hearing my Husband laugh out loud from his joy of driving his motorcycle makes me giggle like a little school girl and blush like I'm being flirted with. He had me pick where we ate, "today is your day, I want to do whatever it is you want." These were his words. I think it had a lot to do with our last fight, we learn so much when words are spoken, or even more so, yelled. 

I knew I could deprive him of a random drop in to the gun store. Men and their toys, he just holds them and oogles at them. Even though I'm bored I like to watch him because I know it's something he loves, which makes me curious as to what it is that attracts him to certain hobbies, I get it. Oh, and no matter where we go he ALWAYS get his usual at each restaurant, which is why I find it so funny that he spends so much time staring into his menu. He will ask for time to look and think so heavily about it...then he gets his same 'ol order. I laugh every time because I know the menus are useless and yet he puts so much thought into it.

My favorite part of the day was when we spent two whole hours inside, doing nothing but wrapping ourselves into blankets on the couch, with coffee, reading to ourselves. It was so relaxing and at one point, Husband came out of the bedroom, when I caught him staring at me he said, "I love this, I really love this."

Me too, babe.

As usual, we ended our day with a long walk with our pup and it was nice to get some fresh air and just have a slow, steady walk. We love looking at different houses and getting ideas of what our future "dream" home will look like, we always point out little details we love and they stay printed in my mind. This is what I wish every single day could be like, but then there are bills to be paid and errands to run. It does make days like this one even more special. 

-A Wife.

Deja Vu

            Today was Esah day, yet again. My little sister is almost like a child to us, we are so so close and she and Husband love each other, which just makes my heart melt. Sometimes, when the two of us are having a bad day and she asks to come over, it's as if all wounds heal up and we forget our anger and submit to happiness in a day with her. I think she pulls Husband's heart strings, he's never been close to any men in her life and he's always been there for her. 

              

      

She and I went to The Falls today while our man of the house was working. It was so cool out and beautiful, some days I need this and even though I was exhausted I was so happy to be out, of course we ended up rushing home when we realized the time, to meet Husband home. 

She was starving when we got home, since Husband wasn't hungry she ate all of his spaghetti! Of course he was hungry minutes later, so what did we do? Braums, I mean after all, he was hungry and we needed ice cream. It wouldn't be an Esah day without Ice Cream...and games.

 Jenga and Candyland, anyone?

Me: Strawberry, Esah: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and Chocolate Chip

Scotty: Cookie Dough and Peanut Butter Cup

I've said this before and you'll probably hear it time and time again, he is going to be a great father and seeing his love for her is quite an eye opener of what the future holds. 

I have such a blessed life and I know it only gets better from here on out. Please take note, never let a good day turn bad over something small and always be grateful for every day that you wake. 

-A Wife.

Our week begins

Husband left for work around 9:55 am, I kept telling myself that when he did I would wake up, get ready, go workout, go get more job applications, see Grandpa’s grave all before work tonight. So what do I do? I go right back to sleep until his mother calls me. She just got a facebook and thought that one of the edited, goofy pictures was her baby falling off his motorcycle. um, nope. She is way too funny, needless to say, I’m up. I made myself a delicious solo breakfast, this day is about to begin. 

Yesterday was great. My mom had a little BBQ for Memorial Day/little cousin’s birthday party and it was so incredibly relaxing. For the first time in a while being with all of our family didn’t stress us out. We ate and set out in the sun just talking for hours while all the little kids played in the pool. We started to talk about the vacations we want to take when Husband brought up our honeymoon vacation and I told him, “we always plan on saving but all of your new toys cost just as much as our vacation and we end up spending on those instead.” I’m glad I said something because he told me that we would have the money for whatever I wanted and that this was something I deserved and it was my turn to have that. I was so surprised but mainly relieved. My psychotic planning has begun, later I woke up and saw that he added things to our Bucket List (the one he didn’t seem to interested in before). I think this man shocks me more and more over the years. 

Being married, you don’t think about yourself as much so it’s awesome when your partner puts the extra effort into you instead of themselves and allows you the upper hand. That’s how it should be, thinking of the other person and giving to one another, with no hidden agenda, just because you love that person. There are so many things we hope to accomplish and I believe that we will if we keep doing things the way that we’re doing them. 

-A Wife